My Christmas gift of lies....

It's been 10 days since my first post about my break up. So much has happened that my head is still spinning.

We spent Christmas Eve and day separately as planned. The children were fine with the arrangement, as they have always spent Christmas eve with his side of the family. I picked them up in the evening and brought them and their gifts back to my parents house. Christmas morning happened and I made it through without crying which is a big one for me. Part of me felt terrible he wasn't there to see their joy about what Santa (my parents and us collectively) brought to them. The kids refused to call him. I knew that would piss him off, but I think it would have pissed him off more if I handed them the phone and they walked away without a word, Maybe I was wrong, but I can't change it now.

I went to visit family for dinner later in the day. While he went to a party that we would go to together every year. I missed going. I missed the people and friends that I would see once a year. I won't see any of those people again, except through Facebook maybe. I'm not big on parties and going out, so I looked forward to that one.

Then I spent till Saturday at my parents' house while they kept the kids till Monday. Some terrible lies were told to me by him to hurt me. See he has been talking to this woman since October that he met while on his overnight work trips to Maryland. In his mind our relationship was over and he saw nothing wrong with talking to her. He tells me this is none of my business, but it is important enough to him to consider moving to Maryland. He even went to visit her and her family 4 hours away this past weekend to get to know her better. Maybe I'm telling too much, but I just feel it isn't fair how he can move on so quickly. Yes, I'm aware that life isn't fair.

Is it wrong of me to want honesty from my children's father? He wants to be friends, but everything he has done has been completely selfish.
I know I should just focus on my kids, job hunt, and myself. I have spent 9 years cultivating and putting much of myself into this partnership. I can't just cut it off so easily, Those 9 years of my 20's. I feel like I'm so far behind everyone my age, They have careers and are just starting families. I have a family and nothing else to show for my life. It's depressing and maddening.

I've been writing a myriad of different things lately. I bought a random writing that has prompts to write shorts in, and I have this blog that seems to absorb all of my sadness. This is my 2nd published post, but there are many drafts. I wrote a poem yesterday. I will put that at the end of this post.I would love to write professionally, but I guess I have to have a degree or maybe a portfolio. My fears control so much of me. It's time to set them free.

I know this post is long and has many pieces, but hey it is what it is.

The tears come in waves
Never giving much warning
The pain ebbs and flows
Forced up from my depths, I'm in mourning

The ground is falling away
Like sand being swept out to sea
My grip is lost
Forced to use strength from weaker parts of me

Barely able to breathe
The constant worries set in
Begrudgingly adapting to the salt water around me
My will to survive pushing me to swim.

MKEH 12/28/2015