A long night

I hope everyone is enjoying their week between the holidays. My kids and I are enjoying pajama days.

So last night I started watching that Netflix show everyone is talking about, How to Make a Murderer. I must say that show is so very disturbing. I don't understand how people can be so corrupt. 

I watched that until I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at 2am, let Dan out, and went to bed. I had a strange dream that I can't remember. I can only remember the feelings of dread and sadness. I guess I'm glad I don't remember what happened.

3am hits and I wake up out of a dead sleep. I'm compelled to write. So I wrote a poem and dumbly sent it to my ex because apparently I'm an imbecile. Then I fell back to sleep. 

I don't know why I feel so connected to him. Maybe it is because I am scared. Maybe it is because I am afraid of being completely alone. It isn't like we haven't treated each other terribly for at the least the last year. There is no going back to the honeymoon phase or the few times where love prevailed for us. It is over and I need to accept that I am now the person I need to depend on. 

A huge part of the problem is that I have been completely codependent. I have to take on bills again. I haven't done that in years. I have to work again. I have to be able to support a family and still want to watch my kids grow up. The job market is disgusting. Some jobs want years of experience for entry level. Come on! Others just don't hire me because I have stayed at home with my kids for what they deem is too long. Then the jobs I can get have crazy hours and wouldn't work because of childcare. 

It feels like a losing battle. I hope the New Year brings some new opportunities and I get better at my self control. I need to stop reliving those moments of pure bliss and passion. They were few and far between, and certainly not enough to keep a relationship going. 

Here is the poem I wrote at 3am.

Madness strikes in the midnight hours
Those moments hidden inside warm embraces
Times filled with comfort and tender exchanges

Moments where the heart aches so much you can't breathe
Times where I know I can feel you through time and space.
For a second our lives feel intertwined in an invisible web of lace.

I shiver because warmth eludes me
I cry because I lost a piece of myself when you left
Then I pass back into the cold darkness of sleep being left bereft.

MKEH 12/30/2015