A long night

I hope everyone is enjoying their week between the holidays. My kids and I are enjoying pajama days.

So last night I started watching that Netflix show everyone is talking about, How to Make a Murderer. I must say that show is so very disturbing. I don't understand how people can be so corrupt. 

I watched that until I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at 2am, let Dan out, and went to bed. I had a strange dream that I can't remember. I can only remember the feelings of dread and sadness. I guess I'm glad I don't remember what happened.

3am hits and I wake up out of a dead sleep. I'm compelled to write. So I wrote a poem and dumbly sent it to my ex because apparently I'm an imbecile. Then I fell back to sleep. 

I don't know why I feel so connected to him. Maybe it is because I am scared. Maybe it is because I am afraid of being completely alone. It isn't like we haven't treated each other terribly for at the least the last year. There is no going back to the honeymoon phase or the few times where love prevailed for us. It is over and I need to accept that I am now the person I need to depend on. 

A huge part of the problem is that I have been completely codependent. I have to take on bills again. I haven't done that in years. I have to work again. I have to be able to support a family and still want to watch my kids grow up. The job market is disgusting. Some jobs want years of experience for entry level. Come on! Others just don't hire me because I have stayed at home with my kids for what they deem is too long. Then the jobs I can get have crazy hours and wouldn't work because of childcare. 

It feels like a losing battle. I hope the New Year brings some new opportunities and I get better at my self control. I need to stop reliving those moments of pure bliss and passion. They were few and far between, and certainly not enough to keep a relationship going. 

Here is the poem I wrote at 3am.

Madness strikes in the midnight hours
Those moments hidden inside warm embraces
Times filled with comfort and tender exchanges

Moments where the heart aches so much you can't breathe
Times where I know I can feel you through time and space.
For a second our lives feel intertwined in an invisible web of lace.

I shiver because warmth eludes me
I cry because I lost a piece of myself when you left
Then I pass back into the cold darkness of sleep being left bereft.

MKEH 12/30/2015

My Christmas gift of lies....

It's been 10 days since my first post about my break up. So much has happened that my head is still spinning.

We spent Christmas Eve and day separately as planned. The children were fine with the arrangement, as they have always spent Christmas eve with his side of the family. I picked them up in the evening and brought them and their gifts back to my parents house. Christmas morning happened and I made it through without crying which is a big one for me. Part of me felt terrible he wasn't there to see their joy about what Santa (my parents and us collectively) brought to them. The kids refused to call him. I knew that would piss him off, but I think it would have pissed him off more if I handed them the phone and they walked away without a word, Maybe I was wrong, but I can't change it now.

I went to visit family for dinner later in the day. While he went to a party that we would go to together every year. I missed going. I missed the people and friends that I would see once a year. I won't see any of those people again, except through Facebook maybe. I'm not big on parties and going out, so I looked forward to that one.

Then I spent till Saturday at my parents' house while they kept the kids till Monday. Some terrible lies were told to me by him to hurt me. See he has been talking to this woman since October that he met while on his overnight work trips to Maryland. In his mind our relationship was over and he saw nothing wrong with talking to her. He tells me this is none of my business, but it is important enough to him to consider moving to Maryland. He even went to visit her and her family 4 hours away this past weekend to get to know her better. Maybe I'm telling too much, but I just feel it isn't fair how he can move on so quickly. Yes, I'm aware that life isn't fair.

Is it wrong of me to want honesty from my children's father? He wants to be friends, but everything he has done has been completely selfish.
I know I should just focus on my kids, job hunt, and myself. I have spent 9 years cultivating and putting much of myself into this partnership. I can't just cut it off so easily, Those 9 years of my 20's. I feel like I'm so far behind everyone my age, They have careers and are just starting families. I have a family and nothing else to show for my life. It's depressing and maddening.

I've been writing a myriad of different things lately. I bought a random writing that has prompts to write shorts in, and I have this blog that seems to absorb all of my sadness. This is my 2nd published post, but there are many drafts. I wrote a poem yesterday. I will put that at the end of this post.I would love to write professionally, but I guess I have to have a degree or maybe a portfolio. My fears control so much of me. It's time to set them free.

I know this post is long and has many pieces, but hey it is what it is.

The tears come in waves
Never giving much warning
The pain ebbs and flows
Forced up from my depths, I'm in mourning

The ground is falling away
Like sand being swept out to sea
My grip is lost
Forced to use strength from weaker parts of me

Barely able to breathe
The constant worries set in
Begrudgingly adapting to the salt water around me
My will to survive pushing me to swim.

MKEH 12/28/2015

2016 The long anticipated end to an era... beginning a new chapter

So it is nearing Christmas of 2015. My life is rapidly changing and I'm not totally against it. My significant other and I are calling it quits. It's been a long time coming, but it is still hard emotionally, mentally, and financially. We have two children together, a son, A who is 6 and a daughter, L, who is 5. We are working together to make the transition as smooth as possible. I doubt that will happen, but I can try.

So 2016 is the start of a new chapter for myself, my kids, and our pets. I'm scared out of my mushy mind! How am I going to provide for my family? How do I get myself back into the job market after being off for about five years? If I fail, then what do I do? How do I handle my children's feelings of loss and abandonment when I can barely handle my own? How do I get rid of this sense of impending doom? It's all so overwhelming. My anxiety is through the roof, yet I'm strangely calm. 

So I figured I would start writing about it. Maybe I can help someone and others may have some advice and support for me. We all need help sometimes and I want to be able to help as many people as I can in this world. So join me on this journey into a new chapter of my life and feel free to leave comments!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday especially if you're going through difficult life changes! 

Happy Holidays,

Megan

This is my awesome puppy named Dan! He's 8 months old and helping me get through all of this change!